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Identity

“Krissy, when can we schedule the training?” Me“Huh?”. I look at her hoping

her face will have the words just spoken written on it. I look around. I am

standing in the middle of a software convention. Where did I go? “What do you

think? When can we schedule the training?” She tries again, ever confidant in my

ability to multi-task and know what she is thinking. “Oh, um, yeah, the 5th should

work, the 4th is a holiday so no one will be in the office.” “Ok, great, mark it on the

calendar and set a reminder for us to contact...” her voice trails off as I gladly look

down and start to input the info into my calendar.

I had seen bricks, row upon row of red brick. We were in Boston for this

conference and a stray thought about all the bricks had been rolling around in the

back of my mind until it took center stage. An entire city built brick by brick.

I often think of myself as a builder of what I create rather than drawing or

painting it. The architect of my own world, I can see blueprints but they aren’t

quite complete until I start building. Getting carsick in the back of the cab

watching wall after wall of brick fly by the window was when I first got the idea. I

was trapped in a world I didn’t know but that didn’t mean I couldn’t build a world

I wanted to be in. Wrapped like a cocoon in my own mind I followed along as we

walked up and down the aisles, hiding behind the facade I built.

These days its almost like I watch myself from above waiting for my turn to

take the reins. I will be patient. I will wait until the night. Until the darkness,

when I can let myself out of the cage of reality that I live in. The place where the

balance sheet must balance and 1 plus 2 really is 3. The place I don’t understand

but I try desparately to blend in. Yes, I will be patient. When the night comes I

can run around in the snow barefoot. I can write from right to left. I can stand on

the cliffs just to hear the waves crash and see the beautiful colors that dance in

front of my eyes at the sound. Now I am alive. Now I am me.

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